Generation: Phantom
by LaLuna
Summary: As if there weren't enough POTO parodies out there........But seriously, this is my first phunny phic. A lot of you guys write such humorous ones, I was just inspired, I guess. What really happened after POTO ended? Well, probably not this, but I suppose
1. Questioning the Welcome Mat

Generation: Phantom  
  
  
  
Act 1: "Questioning the Welcome Mat" Brought to you by Captain Obvious .  
  
NOTE: I do not, nor have I ever, owned POTO . I did, however, create the 'Surrogate Phantom.' I don't know if anyone would actually want to, but, just for the record, please don't steal him.  
  
(Scene: In the Manager's office of the Paris Opera House. One year after "POTO .")  
  
Andre: (sorting through mail) "Bill, bill, sweepstakes, bill..."  
  
Firmin: (barging in) "Hey, that sign has been put up! *whew* (wipes forehead) It's hard watching people work! Where's the Lemonade?"  
  
Andre: (still sorting) "We're all out. Check the fridge. *a pause* What the- ? What the heck is this? (scans the letter.) Aw, man! Our car insurance bill didn't go through!"  
  
Firmin: "What?! Why not! I put a stamp on it this time !"  
  
Andre: (reading letter) "'Dear Sirs. I'm afraid you have mailed your car insurance bill to the wrong location. You want "Geico," not "Gecko." When will you people learn?!'"  
  
*blinking*  
  
Firmin: "That's it. we're getting email. "  
  
Andre: "Hey, here's something interesting ..... (reading letter) "Dear Messieurs Andre and Firmin. Hey! What's up? Yeah, well, I don't know if he told you, but my uncle is gone. He was grumbling about how he's 'had enough,' so he packed up and said that he was going for a loooong vacation in some, preferrably tropical climate. Anway, he can't just leave the Opera unattended, now can he? I mean, you two obviously couldn't run a daycare center, let alone an Opera House, so he hired me to be the "Surrogate Phantom " around here . I intend to wreak the same havoc on this building and all of its occupants, in an attempt to fill my uncle's shoes. Just writing to let you know. Have a Nice Day. :) ~ S.G. (Surrogate Ghost) P.S. Can you guys get email, or what? I mean, c'mon. Let's move with the times."  
  
Firmin: "Well that was different."  
  
Andre: "I'll say. The Real Ghost would never use emoticons or say "Have a Nice Day,"  
  
Firmin: "So..... The Ghost has a nephew?"  
  
Andre: *shrugs* "Whoda thought?"  
  
(Christine bursts in)  
  
Firmin: "Christine Daae!?" (she takes off her cloak, revealing a ridiculous mass of curly, blonde hair.) "Or perhaps 'Malibu Chrissy?'"  
  
Andre: "Care to share?"  
  
Christine: (staring at them) "Huh?  
  
Firmin: "Your hair. It's freakishly blonde."  
  
Christine: (nonchalantly) "Oh, this. *sigh* It's all my stylist's fault. She's a foreigner, poor dear, and I specifically said wash and blow dry, but you know these Americans. Everything's just Blonde, Blonde, Blonde!"  
  
Andre: (under his breath) "It's about time your hair color matched your personality."  
  
Christine: "Come again ?"  
  
Andre: "Nothing. Why are you here ?"  
  
Christine: "Oh! Sorry, hey listen, well, I saw your 'Auditions ' sign out front, and I thought, 'Well, really. That's just silly. I don't need an Audition ! I'm Christine, for heaven's sake! So, when do I start?"  
  
Firmin: (rubs back of neck) "Well...."  
  
Andre: "We thought that you wouldn't be back, seeing as how you had that whole rather *ahem* embarassing experience only about a year ago with-"  
  
Christine: (jumping in) "Yeah, yeah. We all know the story. Well, I decided to swallow my pride and give you guys a break."  
  
Firmin: "Translation : Raoul is not exactly 'Mr. Casanova.'" (He and Andre snicker)  
  
Christine: "*gasp* Who told you? Wait-Did you read my letter in 'Ann Landers?'"  
  
Andre: "What?"  
  
Firmin: "C'mon, Christine. You don't really have to be 'Captain Obvious ' to figure that one out ."  
  
Christine: "So can I have my job back, or what?"  
  
(Carlotta bursts in)  
  
Carlotta: "Your prayers have been answered , Gentlemen."  
  
Andre: "We really need a lock for that door."  
  
Firmin: "What are you doing here ?"  
  
Carlotta: "I saw your 'Auditions' sign out front, so I thought I'd make your lives a little easier."  
  
Andre: (eagerly ) "So your leaving?"  
  
Carlotta: "*scowls* When do I start ?"  
  
Christine: "Never. The position has been filled."  
  
Carlotta: (yelling) "But I had a contract!"  
  
Christine: "Not anymore. Don't think of it as being fired. How about, 'Your being let go, your department is downsizing, we're going in different directions-'"  
  
Firmin: (cutting her off) "I'm afraid we can't allow you to finish that thought, Miss Daae. We're in enough trouble with Disney as it is. "  
  
Christine: "Sorry."  
  
Carlotta: "You can't be serious ! This Trailer-Park Trash is filling MY position!? She won't last a week !"  
  
Christine: (about to say something 'not nice,' when Piangi bursts in.)  
  
Andre: "You know, just because the mat says "Welcome -"  
  
Piangi: "(cutting him off) Hey, woman! Let's hurry it up, huh? 'Gilligan' is on in, like , five minutes ! (acknowledging Christine's hair.) You know, Blonde hair is like Prozac; it's not for everyone."  
  
Carlotta: "These idiots have already given my job to HER! *points finger at Christine * Once again , the rug has been pulled out from under us!"  
  
Piangi: "Beg pardon? Us? 'Scuze me , Chica, but I have washed my hands of this whole place! It's a total Looney Bin!"  
  
Firmin: (grinning ) "Is it ever !"  
  
Andre: "Look, the fact of the matter is that we really don't know who the new Prima Donna is, seeing as how you both walked in and demanded it . "  
  
Carlotta: "Well, I'm not leaving until the decision is made !"  
  
Christine: "Neither am I !"  
  
Piangi: "What?! You crazy woman! I can't take this anymore, I'm leaving ! This is more messed up than a Prison Reunion!"  
  
Carlotta: (grabbing him by the coattails) "Oh no you don't ! If I don't leave, you don't leave!" (Piangi pouts.)  
  
Christine: "Hey! No fair! If he participates, than so does Raoul!"  
  
Firmin: (poking through the fridge again ) "Hey! Who drank all the Frappacinos?"  
  
Christine: "Where IS Raoul, anyway?"  
  
(Raoul attempts to burst in, but rams up against the door instead . Flailing about, he bangs on the glass, looking confused )  
  
Raoul: (from behind the door) "What's going on? Why can't I get in? Help!"  
  
Christine: "Turn the knob, Raoul." (turning to the others.) "Sorry. The doors at our house are usually open, or a servant opens them for him. He's working on it, though."  
  
Raoul: (jumping in, enthusiastically ) "Hey, my dogs!"  
  
Firmin: "Forget the lock. We need a bouncer."  
  
Raoul: "Hey, Christine! There was a SALE! at 'Basket World!'"  
  
Andre: "Really? Dang, and I missed it!"  
  
Raoul: "What's going on here ? (turning to Andre and Firmin) Hey, I know you!"  
  
Firmin: (to Christine) "Does he get a treat for that?"  
  
Christine: (to Raoul) "Raoul, Sweetie, would it be alright with you if I stayed here until this little disagreement is worked out?"  
  
Raoul: (attempting to tie his shoe) "Uh-huh . Dang! Why can't I get this? Let's see, 'Over, under, around the tree.....'"  
  
Carlotta: "Hey wait a minute! I thought you wanted him involved with this!" (stares at Raoul, struggling with his shoelace.) "Oh, I see. Well fine ! If you don't need him, I don't need YOU either!" (turns to Piangi.)  
  
Piangi: "Okay, whatever. The Take-out number is still on the fridge, right ?"  
  
Andre: "Hold it, hold it! What do you women think you're doing? Despite what the sign says, this is not the Holiday Inn!"  
  
Firmin: "Yeah , we really gotta change that."  
  
Andre: "You can't stay here ! Who knows how long this could take! I know from personal experience that women can stay mad for a very long time ."  
  
Firmin: "Still sleeping on the couch, huh?"  
  
Andre: "Oh yeah ."  
  
Raoul: "The couch is my bed, too!"  
  
Firmin: "Why am I not surpirsed?"  
  
Andre: "Look, we're all civilized people here , right ? (looks at Carlotta, who is beginning to resemble an angry gorrilla, and at Raoul, who is attempting to touch his tongue to his nose.) Well, most of us. Can't we work this out in a civilized way?"  
  
Carlotta: "I don't have time to be civilized! I want an answer ! (stamps foot, putting a hole in the floor, causing plaster to fall on the New Phantom.)  
  
Phantom: "Ow!"  
  
Carlotta: "Oops."  
  
Christine: *peering through the hole* "Who was that?"  
  
Andre/Firmin: "Uh-"  
  
Carlotta: (jumping in) "Since you obvioulsy don't have a brain between the two of you, I'll give you a day to make your decision. Honestly, why isn't anyone suave and sophisticated like me anymore?" (attempts to flounce out of the office, but rams into the closed door instead.)  
  
Christine: (patiently) "Turn the knob, Carlotta."  
  
Carlotta: "*grunting Spanish profanities*"  
  
Firmin: "Wait! Before you go, there's probably something you should know about-" (a vase and an assortment of random office appliances fall from the ceiling and land with a crash on the desk.)  
  
Phantom: (from above) "Sorry."  
  
Firmin: (looking up) "No problem ."  
  
Andre: "Aagh! I just refinished that thing!"  
  
Christine: (confused) "Erik?"  
  
Carlotta: "You mean he's STILL here ?"  
  
Firmin: "Well, uh, no. Not exactly . That's his nephew, the 'Surrogate Ghost.'"  
  
(Raoul begins blowing bubbles.)  
  
Christine: "Raoul, what did I say? Not inside ." (Raoul puts bubbles away and pouts.)  
  
Piangi: "Surrogate Ghost? How come he get's a stunt double and I never did?"  
  
Andre: "Well, you see, to need a stunt double, you kind of have to be able to do stunts first ."  
  
Christine: "Erik has a nephew?"  
  
Andre: *shrugs* "Whoda thought?"  
  
Carlotta: "Whatever. Just keep him away from us this time . I'll be in my trailor."  
  
Firmin: "Oh, we don't really have trailors anymore. Do you know how hard it is to get 45 dancers into one of those things? Mme Giry had to grease them with suntan lotion just so they could get out the door! We went back to the dressing rooms. "  
  
Christine: "Is mine still available?"  
  
Andre: "Are you kidding? You're like the Plague! The Ballet girls wanted to torch your room in some weird exorcism ritual, but think what that would've done to the foundation of this place."  
  
Firmin: "They refuse to go near Carlotta's room. *rolls eyes towards Carlotta* They claim she put a curse on it."  
  
Carlotta: "Well how else was I supposed to keep those dancers away from my stuff?"  
  
Piangi: "Well, fine . So stay here and have your little Slumber Party. I'm gettin' outta this nuthouse."  
  
Raoul: "Ooh! Can I have a Slumber party ?"  
  
Carlotta: "That's it. This meeting is closed."  
  
Andre: "Hey! I get to say that!" (Carlotta and Piangi leave.)  
  
Firmin: "Note to self : Hire a Bouncer." 


	2. Bouncing the Bouncer

Generation:Phantom  
  
Act II: "Bouncing the Bouncer."  
  
  
  
(Scene: In the Manager's office, yet again , two days later .)  
  
Andre: (reading the newspaper) "Well, whattya know? We're in the paper!"  
  
Firmin: "I know. Go on, read it."  
  
Andre: (reading out loud) "'Messiuers Andre and Firmin, managers of the Paris Opera House, gave new meaning to the term "Happy Hour " last night when -'"  
  
Firmin: (cutting him off) "Not that one! The one on page 5!"  
  
Andre: "Oh, sorry." *flips through paper* "Here we go: 'Managers of the Paris Opera House, Messieurs Andre and Firmin, are pleased to announce the opening of a new season at the Opera, starting with the new Musical Version of 'Breakfast at Tiffany's.' The leading lady is yet to be announced .' *pauses*  
  
Firmin: "Why do they always put your name first?"  
  
(Madame Giry bursts in)  
  
Giry: (noticably miffed) "Well, I never!"  
  
Firmin: "What's up, Madame G.?"  
  
Giry: "Okay, that's gotta stop. I'm a box keeper, not a rapper."  
  
Firmin: "Sorry." *giggles uncontrolably*  
  
Giry: (To Andre) "What's with him?"  
  
Andre: "Starbucks opens at 6 now . They were giving out free Lattes this morning . "  
  
Firmin: (wired) "I had three tall ones, and one Little Latte!" [*audience groans* Sorry, I know that was a bad joke, but I just couldn't resist !]  
  
Giry: "Who is that guy out there, and why did he feel he had to frisk me ?"  
  
Andre/Firmin: *shudder*  
  
Firmin: "That is one brave man."  
  
Andre: "We hired a bouncer! His name's Bob. *whips out 'Caring for Your Bouncer' Instruction Manual* (reading) "'When your Bouncer is on duty, please be sure not to pester and/or annoy him. He is neither a zoo animal nor a Buckingham Palace guard.'" *acknowledging Mme Giry* "Are you still here ?"  
  
Giry: "Chyeah! I want to know what this note is all about!" *waves note about in the air*  
  
Andre: "Didn't you read it?"  
  
Giry: "I couldn't get it open. *arthritic fingers fumble with note* "*mmph!* It must be some really strong paper, or something!"  
  
Firmin: "Ooh, you mean like Super Paper?"  
  
Andre: "Hand it over, you old bat!" *snatches note and rips through it*  
  
Giry: "Thank you, Edward Scissor-Hands."  
  
Andre: "Hey! It's another one of these notes."  
  
Firmin: "You mean from the Gecko?"  
  
Andre: "No. From that 'S.G.' guy. (reading note) "Dear Madame Giry, Hey! Guess what? That guy who used to make you pander to his every whim? He's not here anymore! I'm here now ! You have to pander to my whims! mwahahaha! So, for starters, how about getting a little electricity down here , huh? I mean, c'mon. My Game Boy batteries are only inches away from death. And while your at it, get me a Diet Coke. And tell those half-wit managers of your's that a.) They are to follow my rules when it comes to this new production, got it? b.) Inform the Bouncer that I have "diplomatic immunity," and c.) Has anyone seen my "Princess Bride" video? Stay cool . ~S.G."  
  
Firmin: "Oops. yeah, I've been meaning to return that."  
  
Giry: "Well, what the-"  
  
(Carlotta bursts in)  
  
Carlotta: "Well really! Where does he get the nerve?!"  
  
Andre: "Trouble in Paradise?"  
  
Carlotta: "What's with the Bouncer? And where does he get off confiscating my personal items?"  
  
Firmin: "Got busted with marijuana again , huh?"  
  
Carlotta: "They're Oregano Leaves!!"  
  
Giry: "He frisked you too?"  
  
Carlotta: "Yeah ."  
  
Andre/Firmin: *shudder*  
  
Andre: "he's braver than we thought."  
  
Carlotta: "Not only that, but he reufsed to let me into the pool this morning ! I always swim 50 laps every day !"  
  
Giry: *rolls eyes* "Right . And I used to model swimwear for the Sears Catalogue."  
  
Andre: "So that was you....."  
  
Firmin: "Pool?"  
  
Giry: "uh, yeah? The one on the third floor?"  
  
Andre: *scoffs* "Yeah, like I haven't heard that one before."  
  
Carlotta: "So....?"  
  
Andre/Firmin: "So.....what?"  
  
Carlotta: "Who's the new Prima Donna, you idiots?!"  
  
Andre/Firmin: "Uh, well......"  
  
Carlotta: "*sigh*"  
  
Firmin: "Look, come to the rehersal this afternoon , and we'll work things out there. Kapiche?"  
  
Carlotta: (taking great offense) "I beg your pardon?"  
  
Andre: (sighing) "It means, 'understand?'"  
  
Carlotta: "oh. heh heh. sure, whatever." (flounces out)  
  
Andre: "We really don't get paid enough."  
  
Giry: "We really don't get paid at all."  
  
Firmin: "I'm goin' to the store. Who wants a Latte while I'm out ?"  
  
Scene 2: Rehersal for "Breakfast at Tiffany's: The Musical."  
  
Giry: (shouting at Chorus girls) "No, no! Bend your knees, your knees! *sigh* If you don't get this right, I'll have to dance it for all of you!!"  
  
Andre: *Picturing Mme Giry in a Leotard* "Please, please do it right!"  
  
(Christine enters)  
  
Christine: "Sorry I'm late. I had to stop off at the house and make sure Raoul had food and water.' (pulls of cloak, revealing a mass of curly, green hair.)  
  
Meg: "What, in the name of all things strange and confusing, is that?"  
  
Christine: (confused) "Oh! Uh, well, before you say anything-"  
  
Carlotta: (excited ) "You're finally joining the circus?!"  
  
Giry: "Score !" *slaps high five with Carlotta*  
  
Andre: "Wait-The circus was in town ?"  
  
Firmin: "Dang! I missed it again !"  
  
Christine: (indicating hair) "It's not my fault! That pool has so much chlorine, even the rats couldn't take it!"  
  
Firmin: *jumping into Andre's arms* "Rats?!"  
  
Dancer #1: "Unbelievable! I try for weeks to get my hair like that, and her's just does it naturally !"  
  
Andre: "Pool?"  
  
Carlotta: "How'd you get past the Bouncer?"  
  
Christine: *grinning* "I can be very persuasive."  
  
Everyone: "aggghh! My ears, my ears!"  
  
Meg: *innocently* "I don't get it."  
  
Christine: "So, where do I stand?"  
  
Carlotta: *scowling* "By the Exit."  
  
Christine: "Hey! No fair! Don't I even get an audition ?"  
  
Giry: "Let's just make her a Ballet Girl again ." (Ballet girls groan, except for Meg.)  
  
Meg: "Hey, yeah !"  
  
Christine: "Ugh, no!"  
  
Meg: *eyes glowing* (in a "Children of the Corn" voice) "Join us, Christine. Join us."  
  
Giry: *smacks Meg* "Now cut that out! (turning to the others) Sorry. It must be the new Pep Medication."  
  
Carlotta: "Can we get on with this? I have a flea bath appointment at 5 ." (the others snicker) "Shut up! It's for my poodle!"  
  
Christine: "You know, I could say something...."  
  
Andre: "All right, all right! That's enough! We have to decide who's going to play Holly! Otherwise, this can't continue . Anybody got any bright ideas?" *blinking* "Okay, anybody got any ideas, then?"  
  
Meg: *raises hand, enthusiastically * "Oooh! OOOHH!"  
  
Firmin: (patiently) "Meg?"  
  
Meg: " *ahem* How about Christine plays Holly one night, and Carlotta another, and we let the public decide?" *a pause*  
  
Everyone: "Yeah, okay, whatever, that's cool, hey when's lunch , etc...."  
  
Carlotta: "I'm Holly first!"  
  
Christine: "No, I am !" *catfight ensues *  
  
Andre: *patting coatpockets* "Where did I put those pain killers.....?"  
  
(The "Surrogate Phantom" walks into rehersal, wearing his boxers, a t-shirt that says "Waaassssuuuppp?" eating a box of Cracker Jacks.)  
  
Phantom: *after much staring from the cast and crew* "Oh, dude. Sorry. Am I interrupting something?"  
  
Everyone: (goes crazy) "It's the Phantom!! Run!! It's the Opera Ghost!!! He's gonna kill all of us!! Are those boxers?, etc."  
  
Firmin: "Perfect . *a pause* That's it, I'm getting out of here. I just can't work like this! *massaging temples* Madame Giry, call Julio, would you? I really need a seaweed wrap."  
  
Andre: "A seaweed wrap?! A SEAWEED WRAP?! You've been getting seaweed wraps?......................without telling me ?!"  
  
Carlotta: "I thought your skin tone looked a little more defined. "  
  
Giry: "*sigh* Take 5, everyone. As in days ."  
  
(Raoul enters, frantically)  
  
Raoul: "Christine? Christine? Christine, I-oomf!" *Runs over Mme Giry*  
  
Phantom: "Who's the fop?"  
  
Andre: "Raoul. " *puffs an inhaler*  
  
Phantom: "Raoul? THE Raoul?" *falls over and dies laughing*  
  
Christine: "You've met?"  
  
Phantom: "Let's just say he's not everyone's favorite guy down there." *indicates Lair*  
  
Carlotta: "He' not everyone's favorite guy up here , either."  
  
Giry: "Why you little brat!" (attempts to attack Raoul, but falls through a hole in the stage, instead.)  
  
Phantom: *peering through hole* "That's where it was!"  
  
Raoul : *grinning* "She fell down!"  
  
Andre: "He's the reason they put the 'Do Not Spray In Eyes' warnings on cans of whipped cream."  
  
Christine: (to Raoul) "Did you want something?"  
  
Raoul: "Oh, yeah! I can't get the cap off the Flintstones' Vitamins." *struggles with bottle, pathetically*  
  
Firmin: "Here . Have one of mine . Pebbles or Bam-Bam?"  
  
Raoul: *thinking hard* "Ummmm........ Bam-Bam!"  
  
Phantom: "Good choice."  
  
(everyone stares at him , finally fully acknowledging his presence)  
  
Phantom: (with an aura of power) "Boo."  
  
Everyone: *runs away screaming* 


	3. Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend

Generation: Phantom  
  
Act III: "Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend."  
  
(Scene: Rehersal , before Opening Night . Christine is singing, while the Ballet Girls perform behind her.)  
  
Christine: (singing) "Mooon Riiiiiver......"  
  
Giry: (from audience) "Jump, JUMP! If your don't get this next combination right, I'll personally leave you all in a room with nothing but Gatorade and Richard Simmons Workout Tapes!!" (Everyone gasps) *a pause* "And don't forget to smile !"  
  
(Suddenly, in place of the regular music, "The Hokey Pokey" starts playing, loudly.)  
  
Music: * "You put your left foot in, you put your left foot out....." * (Dancers immediately start following the song's intructions.) (Enter: Andre and Firmin)  
  
Andre: (seeing his Chorus doing the Hokey Pokey.) (To Firmin) " Hey, I thought we already cut this!"  
  
(Music stops)  
  
Giry: "Alright, who's been playing in the sound booth?"  
  
(Suddenly, the scenery falls away to reveal the new Stage Manager.................................downing the last few drops of a Tequila bottle.)  
  
Stage Manager: "Heeeyyyyy.... Whereshhhh all them libble pink elephshants goooo?" (Collapses in a drunken heap. Everyone gasps.)  
  
Firmin: "Well, what in the world-" (Interrupted by the Phantom's voice, booming through the Opera.)  
  
Phantom: "Mwahahaha! Yes, it was I who gave him that liquor, and it was I who screwed with the sound system! Power, POWER! You are all my puppets!!" (A crashing sound, followed by debris and the Phantom, falling from the Cats.) "WaaahhhhhhOomf!" (Picks himself up from the rubble and stares at everone.) "You didn't see anything." (Exits, Stage Left. Discovers that the door backstage is locked, and so crosses over and exits Stage Right.)  
  
Raoul: (still doing the Hokey Pokey) "You put your right hand in, you put your right hand out......." (Carlotta whacks him with her drawstring purse.)  
  
Andre: (after a long pause) "Speaking of our Surrogate Ghost; We have another letter from him. *ahem* (reads note) 'Dear Cast and Crew of my show: Wow. I've been attending most of your rehersals, unbeknownst to you, of course -'"  
  
Carlotta: "So that's who that was...."  
  
Andre: '"- and I must say that I am truely impressed........about how much you guys suck! I mean, seriously! No wonder my uncle had to get out of here! The dancing is nothing but a bunch of bending and leaping-'" (Ballet Girls glare at Mme Giry, who stares at the ceiling) "'-and the songs are way too cheesy. The only good thing about it is that chick with the Mood Ring hair; Christy or Beatrice, or something. Yow. Hey, do you think you could get her phone number? I think she's the same girl in that little picture frame with all the lighted candles around it, in my uncle's room. Anyway, I think some serious changes need to be made. How about inserting a rap number here and there, and maybe an interpretive dance segment, just to please those "Artsy-Theatre-Types." Think about it. No, wait, on second thought, do it. Gotta go. ~S.G.'"  
  
Firmin: "Well, he can definitely talk the talk......"  
  
Carlotta: (snatching letter) *screetching* "You mean this one's obsessed with her, too?! Why isn't anyone ever obsessed with me ?!!?" (she is foaming at the mouth and panting.)  
  
Andre: "Are you kidding?"  
  
Carlotta: "What is it about her that's so appealing ?" (They stare at Christine, who's hair is now changing to a bright orange.)  
  
Firmin: " Her unique sense of grooming?"  
  
Christine: *whips out hand-mirror and sighs* "It must be the stage lights. I should probably go rinse it with VO5 and mayonnaise."  
  
Firmin: "You do that too? Omigosh! Did you get it from "ym" magazine?"  
  
Christine: "Yeah!"  
  
Carlotta: (pushing her off stage) "Yeah yeah, well, the sooner you get outta here , the sooner I can take over and turn this sorry excuse for an Opera around!"  
  
Giry: *stares in disgust at Christine's hair* "Why don't you do us all a favor and go pick up some Nutrisse Aubern #12, huh?"  
  
Meg: "Hey, Mom. Isn't that the same stuff you use?"  
  
Giry: (nervously) "Heh heh. No, what're you talking about?"  
  
Andre: "aha! I knew you colored you hair! (to Firmin) "I told you! *holds out hand* 10 bucks."  
  
Firmin: *grumbling* "Well, it looked sort of natural.......from a distance." *forks over money*  
  
Meg: *cough* "Weirdos."  
  
Andre: "C'mon people. Let's wrap this up! We have a press conference at 6 , and I have to come up with something to say that'll make this thing look a heck of a lot better than it really is !"  
  
Carlotta: *smugly* "Maybe you should omit everyone's name except mine ."  
  
Andre: " Well, we actually want people to come see this one."  
  
Meg: "That woman needs a major ego adjustment. "  
  
Giry: "Or maybe just a cattle prod."  
  
Firmin: (pondering) "You know, what if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about......?"  
  
(Scene 2: Christine's dressing room, hours before curtain .)  
  
Christine: (entering, her hair bluer than Marge Simpson's) *grumbling* "Carlotta, that stupid ditz........... dye my hair while I'm sleeping .............. she's just jealous.............. .......... I'l show her......... where'd I put that exploding muffin........?"  
  
(A faint voice calls to her)  
  
Voice: "Christine........Christine...."  
  
Christine: (confused) "Huh....? What the-?"  
  
Voice: "Christine!"  
  
Christine: "Oh, no, not again ! *puts hands on ears* I can't hear you! I can't hear you! Lalalalalalaaaa!"  
  
Voice: "Christine! Help!"  
  
Christine: "You're not ree-aall! You're simply a figment of my imagination, designed to illustrate my feelings of grief and neglect, combined with the belief that I am inferior, my insecurities, and the memories of-"  
  
Voice: (cutting her off) "Christine! Christine, you stupid cow, help!!"  
  
Christine: *takes hands off ears* "I beg your pardon?"  
  
Voice: "Come to the mirror......"  
  
Christine: (suspiciously) "Why?"  
  
Voice: "'Cause I'm stuck, ya dumb whore, get me outta here !"  
  
Christine: (approaching the mirror) "Who are you?"  
  
Voice: "I'm Jolly Old St. Nick! Who the heck d'you think?"  
  
Christine: *tears welling up in eyes* "Erik.....?"  
  
Voice: "No!! He's in Montego! Geez, don't you guys read my letters at all? Flip the little switch."  
  
Christine: *fumbling around the mirror* "How'd you get in there?"  
  
Voice: "To tell you the truth , I really don't know. I was trying to find the Bowling Alley, but I think I made a wrong turn at the Cactus Room. Those maps my uncle left are not helpful at all. But, I guess that's what you get from 'Triple A.' * a pause* "Hey, could you hurry it up ? I've been stuck for hours, and, despite what you may have heard, there's no bathroom in here !"  
  
Christine: "Oh wait, there's this little switch that says 'Pull.' Do you think I should pull it?"  
  
Voice: "No, I think you should stare at it, just so I can hang out here for another 10 hours and do my 'Incontinent Dog' impressions."  
  
(Christine pulls switch, and the Surrogate Phantom tumbles out from behind the mirror. She attempts to speak, but he pushes past her, and runs straight to the bathroom.)  
  
Christine: (he emerges) *tapping her foot* "That's not how Erik used to make his entrances."  
  
Phantom: *looking her up and down.* "Well, Helllloooooo Dolly!" *acknowledges her blue hair* "Um, yeah. Hey, the Cookie Monster called. He says he wants his toupee back.........Why, I have no idea."  
  
Christine: "Shut up! This time it's not my fault! Who did you say you were again ?"  
  
Phantom: *bows* "Derek, the Surrogate Opera Ghost, at your service."  
  
Christine: *stifling a giggle* "Um, okay. Wait, did you say your name was 'Derek?'"  
  
Derek: "um, yeah. I know, I know, Derek and Erik?" *shrugs* "Go figure."  
  
*an awkward pause*  
  
Derek: "So...........how about them Yankees?" (Voices of Meg and Raoul are heard from outside.)  
  
Meg/Raoul: (arguing) "Ya-huh/ Nuh-uh/ Ya-huh/ Nuh-uh!............."  
  
Christine: " *gasp!* It's Raoul and Meg! Who knows what Raoul will do if he finds you in here !" *stops to think* "Meg'll probably just faint, though."  
  
Derek: (sarcastically) "Oh, well that's a relief, cause it's really Meg who I was worried about."  
  
(The doorknob rattles.)  
  
Meg: "Christine?" *knocking*  
  
Derek: *leaps into Christine's arms* "Yipe!"  
  
Christine: *pulling him towards the mirror* "In here ! Get in there!" *attempts to stuff him in*  
  
(Meg and Raoul burst in)  
  
Meg: "Christine, can you help us solve this little dispute? I say that Diamonds really are a girl's best friend, but Raoul seems to-" (stops, noticing no one's there.) "Christine?"  
  
Raoul: (attempts to barge in, but Meg has accidentally shut the door, and since doorknobs give Raoul problems......) "Hey, help! Meg? Christine? I can't get in!?" *frantically beats against door*  
  
Meg: (exasperated) "Turn the freakin' knob, Raoul!" (Raoul enters) "Christine's not here, but I could have sworn I heard voices....?"  
  
Raoul: "Oooh, she's got a candy stash in here ! Let's look!" *begins pawing through the wardrobe*  
  
Christine/Derek's Voices: (from behind the mirror) "Geez, it's cramped in here !/ Is that your foot in my- ?/ Stop yelling, you're right next to my ear!/ I can't see a thing!/ Where the heck is that little door?/ Ow!/  
  
Oh, for the love of-/ That was my toe!!/ Stop shouting!/ Don't tell me what to do.....!"  
  
Meg: "Oh, my Barishnakov! We're all going crazy!! It's a conspiracy!! Ruuunnnn!!!!" *bolts from the room*  
  
Raoul: (emerging from under the bed) "Dang! where does she keep that stuff!" *acknowledging the voices* "hey, what the-"  
  
Derek: (from behind the mirror) "Wait, there's a little light switch here somewhere." *locates it, and turns it on* "There." (They are illuminated from behind the mirror.)  
  
Raoul: (seeing the lighted forms of Christine and Derek.) "uhh........"  
  
Derek: "Let's have a little fun, shall we?" *speaks into a microphone* "Raoul.....Raaaooouuuulll. Head toward the light.... Head toward the liiiiggghhhhhttttt."  
  
Christine: "So this is how Erik did it....."  
  
Raoul: *bumps into mirror* "Ow!" *rubs head* "Hey, what's this?" (reads tiny disclaimer) "Objects in Mirror are closer than they appear."  
  
(Derek pushes open the mirror-door, smacking Raoul in the head again )  
  
Raoul: "OW! Aw, geez, that really smarts!" (Derek reaches out and pulls him into the "Mirror Chamber.")  
  
Christine: (incredibly cramped) "Way to go, Einstien. As if it weren't crowded enough in here !"  
  
Derek: *struggling to move* "Mmmff, ouch! There's gotta be a way-" *leans up against 'release' button*  
  
(floor falls away) "Aw, dang."  
  
Everyone: *falling* "Waaahhhhhhh!"  
  
Announcer: "What will become of our brave heroes? Will Christine be kidnapped by the Phantom all over again ? Just how does Raoul dress himself every morning ? Answers to these questions and more in the riviting conclusion of ............"Generation: Phantom!" *Melodramatic Music*  
  
Derek: *looking up, confused* "Now where did he come from?" 


	4. Track Down This.......Raver?

Generation: Phantom  
  
Act IV: "Track Down This........Raver?"  
  
(Scene: The Managers' office, before showtime . Firmin is dressed in all black, with a cape, a turtleneck, and a beret. Obvious Theatre-Stereotype.)  
  
Firmin: (watching TV) "Wheel! Of! Fortunnnneeeee!" *Hokey Music*  
  
(Meg bursts in)  
  
Firmin: *peering outside* "What happened to Bob?"  
  
Meg: *shrugs*  
  
*Meanwhile, Backstage, Bob is wrestling an alligator.....*  
  
Meg: *gasping* "It's-the-she's-Christine-Diamonds!!"  
  
Andre: *emerges from the back, wearing a suit and tie* "What's all the hubub?"  
  
Firmin: (disgusted) "What are you wearing? You look like an NBA Manager."  
  
Andre: "Yeah, well you look like some crazy, Bohemian, High School Theatre- kid. I thought we were going to coordinate."  
  
(Mme Giry bursts in)  
  
Giry: "Where the @!#$% is that Daae brat?!"  
  
Firmin: "Ugh. I really don't want to hear any more stories about Christine and her Amazing Technicolor Dreamhair."  
  
Meg: "But she's missing!!"  
  
(Firmin spews his Latte all over the desk.)  
  
Andre: "Aaggh! I just refinished that thing..........again !!"  
  
Giry: "Whattya mean she's missing? She can't be missing! If she can't perform, then Carlotta will have to go on!" *shudder*  
  
Meg: "Raoul's gone too!"  
  
(General No Reaction from others.) "And Christine's missing!!"  
  
Andre: *banging his head against the wall* "I-ow-Can't-ow-Take-ow-This!!"  
  
Firmin: *near tears* "Why? Why!? Why do these things always happen to us? I'm a good person! I go to church, I don't work for the IRS, I watch the Disney movies with my kids!!"  
  
Giry: *breathing into a paper bag* "All I can say is, thank Broadway I'm incredibly doped-up on my medication, otherwise I'd be reeeallllllyyy upset right about now ."  
  
Meg: "Oh yeah, the doctor said you can stop taking that. You had your surgery over a year ago."  
  
Giry: *Giving her the 'Eye.'* "Really upset......"  
  
Meg: (wide-eyed with fear) "What if the Opera Ghost took her?"  
  
Andre: *rolls eyes* "Oh please. It's always the Opera Ghost! If anything ever goes wrong, then, according to you, the Ghost is always to blame! The entire cast of 'Green Acres,' any problem the Royal Family has ever had, and Carlotta's unfortunate nose job were all the Ghost's fault!"  
  
Carlotta: (bursting in) "It's real! Real, I tell you!"  
  
Firmin: *cough* "Right. About as real as anything on Mme Giry."  
  
Carlotta: "So, where's 'Rainbow Brite?'"  
  
Meg: *remorsefully* "The Opera Ghost kidnapped her........again !"  
  
Carlotta: (obviously delighted ) "Really? I mean, really. hm. Well, I'll be changing into her costume."  
  
Giry: "uh, yeah.*choke* Look, a Greyhound bus can't park in a two-car garage."  
  
Meg: "We have to go down and save her!"  
  
Carlotta: "Why?"  
  
Andre: "My money!"  
  
Giry: "My reputation......or what's left of it."  
  
Firmin: "I'm feeling adventerous!"  
  
Carlotta: *sigh* "Okay, okay. But if he killed her, then can I go on?"  
  
Everyone: *a pause* "Yeah, okay, sure, why not? Then we'll have to take out the Interpretive Dance anyway........"  
  
(Scene 2: "The Lair." Derek, Raoul, and Christine are approaching the Phantom's home.)  
  
Raoul: *singing* "45 Bottles of beer on the wall, 45 bottles of beeerrrr!!!!............"  
  
Derek: *teeth gritted* "i'll count to ten, and then ..........." (Loud, 'Raver' music is heard.)  
  
Christine: "What the-?" (They approach the entrance, where the Lake used to be. Now , there is a big, electric blue walkway that goes across the water, which is totally engulfed in Fog. A big sign over the door reads "The Lair" in neon lights. Christine gives Derek a 'Look.')  
  
Derek: "What? It got really boring down here ! Don't you think a club is a great idea ? And "The Lair" is the best name!" (Approaches the entrance. People start shouting)  
  
Random Ravers: "Hey!/ Derek!/ Yo, my dog!/ Excellent party!/ Dude, your bathroom's flooded again / etc...."  
  
(Derek slaps high fives with several of them.)  
  
Derek: (turning to Christine) "So....?"  
  
Christine: *fingers in ears* "What?!"  
  
Derek: *sigh* "C'mon!" *hand motion* "Where's Raoul?"  
  
Christine: *scanning the crowd* "Uh.....There!" (points to where Raoul has begun to do 'The Worm.') *grabbing him* "We're leaving!"  
  
Random Raver #1: (about Raoul) "Dude, that guy is awesome !"  
  
(Derek drags them to the slightly less noisy kitchen, were there are about 17 bottles of assorted alcohol on the table.)  
  
Christine: *ears still ringing* "Where'd they all come from? What'd you do, raid a 'Renthead' convention?"  
  
Derek: *nods* "Yeah! Isn't it great ? These people really know how to party! *a pause* So........ wanna see the library?"  
  
Christine: *snort* "Yeah, right. Who do I look like, 'Belle' form Beauty and the Beast? The longest book I've ever read was a Vouge Magazine!"  
  
(Random Raver bursts in)  
  
Random Raver #2: "Hey, look what I found in the closet!" *blows dust off 'Guesstures' box* "Guesstures!"  
  
Christine: "Erik had 'Guesstures?'"  
  
Derek: *shrugs* "Go figure."  
  
Raver: "So, who wants to play?"  
  
Raoul: "Ooh! I do, I do !"  
  
Christine: "Raoul, no, we really should get-"  
  
Derek: *pushing her aside* "I'm going first !" *draws cards*  
  
Raver: "Ready..........go!" (Derek begins miming a pogo-stick, as Raoul and the Raver shout out guesses.)  
  
Raoul: "Oh, it's a-uh- 'Titanic!'"  
  
Raver: " No! It's clearly a breakfast food of some sort!"  
  
Christine: (cutting in, after much guessing) "No, you idiots! It's a pogo- stick!! A pogo-stick!!" (Derek nods furiosly, and continues.)  
  
*Much Later ...........*  
  
Christine: *miming a Belly dancer*  
  
Raoul: "Goldfish!"  
  
(Andre, Firmin, Carlotta, Mme Giry and Meg all burst in through a door in the side of the wall.)  
  
Andre: (to Mme Giry) "That's the last time we take your 'Alternative Route!'"  
  
Firmin: *noticing the 'Guesstures' game* "Woah. I knew we shoulda knocked."  
  
Raver: "All right! More party people! Let's 'Get Jiggy With It!'" *begins dancing*  
  
Carlotta: "i beg your pardon?"  
  
Andre: *pondering* "Well, I don't know. It has been a while since I really got Jiggy with anything......."  
  
Meg: "Christine!" *hugs her* "You're safe! We came to rescue you and- Are you guys playing 'Guesstures?'"  
  
Raoul: "Yep!" (to Christine) "Goldfish!"  
  
Giry: "No, no! She's a belly dancer! I, of all people, should know, considering I used to-" (stops, everyone is staring at her.) "Never mind."  
  
Firmin: "I'm going next !" (suddenly, there is a loud bang, and Erik jumps from a door in the ceiling onto the table.)  
  
Raver: "I love this club!!"  
  
Erik: (wearing sunglasses, a haiwian shirt, very loud bermuda shorts, and a sticker that says "I'd rather be Windsurfing.") "Alo-hah!"  
  
Christine: "Erik!....Erik?"  
  
Erik: "What the heck is going on here ?!"  
  
Derek: "*eep* Uncle Erik! I mean, uh, heh- heh, back so soon ?"  
  
Erik: *looking around* "What the #@$&!% did you do to my house!?"  
  
Derek: "I was gonna clean it all up......."  
  
Erik: "What'd you do, raid a 'Renthead' convention?! Is that my 'Guesstures' game?" (loud, earsplitting noises are heard) "Good, sweet Mike! The sound system!" *runs from the room*  
  
Carlotta: "That's it! I'm getting outta this Looney Bin! It gives me the creeps." *Exits through door*  
  
Christine: "Yeah. C'mon Raoul." (to Derek) "See ya, Derek. It's been a slice. Good luck with You-know-who." *blows him a 'teasing kiss '*  
  
Derek: "Why does she do that?"  
  
Raoul: (to Raver) "Later, Man."  
  
Raver: "Keep it real, dude." *secret handshake*  
  
(They leave)  
  
Firmin: *checking the fridge* "Hey!! He stole my Frappaccinoes!!"  
  
(Scene 2: The Manager's office, after the Mayhem. The entire cast and crew are enjoying a "small celebration.")  
  
Giry: (obviously drunk) "Waahhhoooooo!" *tap dances on table*  
  
Andre: (nervously) "Watch the finish, watch the finish!"  
  
Firmin: "Hey, look what was wedged in the door!" (Hands letter to Andre.)  
  
Andre: "Geez, why do I always have to read these things." *a pause*  
  
Firmin: "Sorry man, we thought you knew." *sips drink* "None of us can read."  
  
Andre: "Oh. Well then. Here goes: *ahem* "Dear All, Well, it would be good to be back, if my delightful nephew hadn't totally trashed my way cool Lair. It took me forever to get all the Ravers out of there, and I'm not even sure if they're completely gone. I found three in my cupboard just yesterday . Anyway, about the show..... You should thank your lucky tap shoes that I got back here when I did. Maybe the next show won't be such an obvious B.S. job. You gotta do something about the dancers' wardrobe/makeup. They look like devout 'Rocky Horror' fans doing Ballet. Also, I think the blocking needs to be rearraged. I mainly had a problem with any scene in which Carlotta was visable." (Carlotta expresses disdain.) "Other than that, eh. Our next show, "'Clueless', The Musical" had better be perfect, meaning the way I want it . Expect more notes to follow, because, in case you Show People haven't noticed, it's kind of a reoccuring theme around here . Meanwhile, I'm off to the 7-11. That brat drank all my Frappiccinos, and ate all my Pirate's Booty. Peace out. ~ O.G."  
  
*And So It Begins ..............* ~Fin~  
  
~Crazy huh? Well, why not?.............~ 


End file.
